Journal Entry-- Confirmed: It's cancer.

Today was mostly waves of peace, rolling in one right after the other. However, there were two jarring moments from the day that stand out in my mind.

The first was when the doctor said that both of the lumps in my breast were found to be cancerous. One cancerous lump is enough to swallow. But to think that there was a second lump, a hidden one, that was also cancerous… it just made the news even scarier. The doctor explained that because of the size and location of the two lumps, I was not a candidate for a lumpectomy but would need to have a mastectomy, complete removal of the breast tissue.

The second jarring moment occurred at home hours later. The afternoon and evening were spent with my parents, who helped juggle the household while Ad and I had a private conversation with each of our kids about my diagnosis. At dinner time, we ate pizza and played a family game. As the evening came to a close, I heard my son’s innocent voice say, “Can we pray for Mommy’s cancer?”

Wait, what?

Is this for real? Was that my son’s voice saying those words? MY son? Am I the mommy with the cancer? THAT voice saying THOSE words keeps ringing through my head.

But there are other things ringing through my head too…

My rock, my fortress, my strong tower, my hiding place. Names of God that have meant something to me in the past and mean something even greater to me today.

The Lord bestows favor and honor, no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11). If you, God, did not withhold this cancer from me, than it must be good for me. You will bring something good out of this.

How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you (Psalm 31:19). You have good things stored up, ready to be unleashed, for me and my family. No circumstance can change this truth.

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name, lead and guide me (Psalm 31:3). I trust that it’s not coincidence or bad luck but that this cancer diagnosis is a road you have marked out for me. You will guide me down it, for the sake of your name. Knowing you have a purpose gives me comfort and peace.