Infertilty | Discovering the Definition of Hope (Part Two)
Hope is supposed to be a positive feeling that lifts the human spirit out of despair. But sometimes life happens differently than imagined and hope feels less like wings and more like a weight dragging you down.
This is where I found myself in my early twenties. Incapable of getting pregnant and disgusted with the idea of holding onto hope. Healing began when I realized that my opposition was not the infertility after all. My enemy was this: a persistent desire to have complete control of my life (read Infertility, Part 1). Surrendering to God’s hand was a crucial step, but there was still a misunderstanding about hope that needed to be settled.
After two years of trying to conceive, we underwent basic fertility testing and decided not to move forward with IVF treatments. Another year went by. And then another. Adam and I dove into working with teenagers at our local church and loved every minute of it. But there was always the lingering shadow in the background.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God…”
-Psalm 42:5
I would read passages in the Bible like this one and subconsciously, my mind would read it like this, Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for a baby. The object of my hope was always a baby. In the moments when I felt a twinge of courage, I would muster up the strength to pray and ask God to help me hope in him, but it was always to hope in him for a baby.
I was in excruciating inner pain and thought the only relief would be if I got the object of my desire: a baby. That’s what my hope was set on. What I didn’t realize was that my idea of hope was misguided. If hope means wishful thinking; if it means looking to a person, circumstance, event, object or dream to bring fulfillment, then I had it right. Why, then, was I angry? Why was I sad? Why was this version of hope weighing me down instead of doing its job to lift me up?
Here’s the good part. You know that frustrating feeling when you’re driving IN THE WRONG direction and you can’t find an opening in the median for a U-turn? Well, here was the opening in the median: my understanding and practice of HOPE was not Biblical! It was based on a secular definition of hope that was void of God.
This realization unfolded over time. Not an epiphany moment but a slow progression, a peeling back of layers of misunderstanding and a rebuilding of truth. I began looking up every scripture that had the word “hope” in it.
It took a while.
Looking back, I see that God was building endurance in me as days and weeks turned into months of searching (Romans 15:4). Gradually, my secular understanding of hope morphed into a Biblical one with passages like these:
“For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.” — 1 Timothy 4:10
My hope had been set on having a baby, but this wasn’t good for my heart. I needed to set my hope on the Living God, trusting that his way was best for me.
“Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” — Romans 5:2
Biblical hope is not set on a person, circumstance, event, object or dream. Biblical hope is always set on God, his glory, and his grace. The best part? With this kind of hope, JOY in the waiting is possible.
“Therefore, preparing your minds for action and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” — 1 Peter 1:15
God had not promised me that I would have a baby, but he did promise me salvation and a home with him forever. My eternity is secure. Instead of praying to God to fulfill my desires, I could to ask God to make himself my greatest desire.
I still had a ways to go on my journey, but at least now, I was heading in the right direction. God’s word is powerful. It realigned me so that I could stop hating the idea of hope and begin experiencing joy in the waiting.
In God’s perfect timing, he did eventually answer those prayers for a baby. A miracle. But the work he did in my heart during the waiting was a miracle too. What he taught me during those years will live on for years to come in our daughter’s middle name: Hope.
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”